Free eBook: The Empathy Project

So many people are suffering real pain without the support they need to heal and recover.

I lived that way for years and it was not pretty.

I’ve created something I wish I had during those dark times, a resource on empathy to share with the people in my life.

My tiny eBook The Empathy Project is my love offering to you. I hope it makes you kinder and more compassionate. Your people need you.

Mental Health Awareness Month is over, but it doesn’t have to be the end of mental health awareness in our conversations and relationships. 

Let’s be kind to one another, even when we don’t know what to say or do.

Let’s be loving and empathetic, even when it’s really hard.

Let’s build each other up when we’re tender and vulnerable, not tear each other down.  

We live in a world in dire need of empathy, love, and healing.

We live in a world that desperately needs Jesus Christ because we need love and healing.

I believe lasting emotional healing comes from Him alone. Anything else just doesn’t go deep enough.

Yes, I speak from experience.

My new eBook The Empathy Project asks you to join the movement for more empathy in our conversations and relationships.

To care more.

To share more.

To love more.

I’d be so honoured if you’d read it and share it.

Download the PDF here or read the full text below.

Please comment below when you’re done and share your thoughts so we can continue the conversation.

Thank you for being here.

Let’s sprinkle some love on each other.

All love,

Otiti 

Introduction

I’m here to start a movement of compassionate, empathetic speakers and listeners, a group of people dedicated to showing love and kindness in everything they do.

I’m especially reaching out to born-again Christians because being a believer should make you more loving and empathetic, not less.

Knowing the love of God in your heart transforms you. If you’re not becoming more Christ-like on a rolling basis, are you really bearing the fruit of the Holy Spirit and living out God’s love for you and the people around you?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsufffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

(Galatians 5:22-23 KJV)

Every single person on this planet needs love. A lot of twisted, broken people are the way they are because they didn’t get the love they needed or were so badly abused that they became damaged.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical blows and kicks raining down on you. It can be verbal barbs; emotional manipulation and blackmail; mind games, sulky silences and withdrawals instead of open, honest conversations; and so on.

When you downplay a person’s experience or mock them for feeling the way they feel, you’re dragging barbed wire over flesh that’s already tender. And if that visual makes you cringe, then you have some idea how it feels to be dismissed and misunderstood.

Let me be clear here:

You can speak your mind and be kind about it.

Open your Bible, share why they should be encouraged, and pray with them to feel the truth of the Word over everything else.

Show them what they’ve forgotten or never even known so they can claim the promises in the Word. Share positive, real-life stories and prayers to comfort them and teach them to trust God to heal and restore them.

Do these beautiful things and sprinkle some love in their world.

But you know what you shouldn’t do? Tear people down and make them feel like they should know better or be able to handle the situation better.

That kind of talk never helps and only makes things worse, so if that’s all you can say, say nothing and keep it moving. Silence is better than inflicting pain, you guys.

The explosion of social media means we’re having fewer and fewer verbal conversations, which can be a problem when discussing difficult issues.

Try to meet up in person or make video calls where you can, and if neither of those are feasible, call each other and take it from there. Texting/chatting should be your last resort because there’s so much room for misunderstanding.

It’s hard to be present for an important conversation when you have pings and chirps vying for your attention. Don’t be so caught up in your phone that you forget there’s a real human being on the other end who needs you.

If a family member, friend, or colleague is being vulnerable with you, be there with that person.

Listen to them. Hold their hand. Give them a hug if appropriate. Hear what they’re saying. Read their body language. Put them at ease so they know they can trust you.

And please, please, treat them with love.

Be empathetic. Be kind. Be compassionate. Don’t make them regret choosing you as their confidante. Don’t make them beat up on themselves for how they feel or what they’ve said. The focus should be on moving forward and making amends if need be.

Another caveat:

I’m not saying you must be best friends with everybody, and I’m definitely not saying you must continue abusive relationships because the abuser needs your empathy.

I’m talking about the healthy relationships with the people in your life and how to communicate better so you can help them when they need you.

I urge you to speak to a qualified counsellor or therapist if you feel you’re in an abusive atmosphere or relationship. I believe that the healthy thing to do is to grab hold of your self-worth, soak it all in prayer, and exit stage right. It’s never easy, but it can be crucial for your survival and wellbeing.

Don’t stay trapped in a toxic situation—get help and get it fast. You can’t remain a victim because you’re more than a conqueror through Christ Who loves you! (Romans 8:37)

It’s important to have boundaries in place so you don’t deplete yourself all the time for the people who come to you. If you truly can’t be of service for whatever reason, bow out gracefully.

Resentment isn’t a pretty feeling and it can poison your response to that person, so don’t commit to that conversation unless you can be kind about it. It’s better to postpone it or even refer them to someone else than to go ahead and then attack them for what they say.

Be the lover, not the attacker.

Chapter 1: God’s Love Transforms Your Heart

God’s love in your heart makes you kinder, more empathetic, and more loving to yourself and the people in your life. It’s easier to love others when you love yourself because a heart full of love can’t help sharing it. You can’t give what you don’t have.

Jesus Christ spoke of God’s commandments to love God with all our hearts, all our souls, all our minds, and all our strength, and to love our neighbours as ourselves. (Mark 12:30-31)

This means that loving God changes us. We treat ourselves and others differently because we’re experiencing His deep, rich, abundant love that fills up our empty spaces and makes us whole.

His deep love nudges us to show our neighbours the same love, compassion, and kindness we show ourselves. We avoid being petty, flippant, cruel, and judgemental because it’s not showing our brethren love, and it’s not obeying God’s commandments to us.

How loving are you in your daily behaviour? How many seeds of love do you plant during the day in your words, thoughts, and actions?

How are you letting God’s great love flow through you to bless the people in your life, including strangers and enemies? How are you living differently because you have God’s love burning in your heart?

I don’t always feel God’s love, but I do know it’s meant to change the way I live, love, and move through this world. I do know I can’t hate my brother and claim to love God, because how I can hate the one I see and love the One I can’t see?

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also. (1 John 4:20-21 KJV)

Empathy is about kindness. If you don’t like someone, it’s gonna be real hard to show compassion in their suffering.

Yes, you can’t like everybody the same, but you don’t have to. You can be kind to everybody even when you don’t like them.

Kind people are empathetic, they’re compassionate, and they’re builders, not destroyers.

Every negative, unkind comment leaves a bruise. Some people shake it off almost immediately, and some take a little longer to bounce back from it. You never know what they’re grappling with, so do you really want to add to their pain?

Slow down. Breathe. Listen. Pray before speaking.

Are you about to say something constructive in a non-judgemental way? Are you about to encourage them to draw closer to God and give their pain to Him?

Are you about to be your sister’s keeper for real?

Being a believer should transform your character through the Holy Spirit dwelling in you. If you’re not increasing in love, compassion, and kindness, Houston, we have a problem.

If you’re cruel to people suffering and in pain, how are you reflecting the Holy Spirit at work in your heart and life?

Love isn’t cruel. Yes, we all have bad days and make mistakes, but if your default reaction to anything you don’t understand, agree with, or believe in is a heartless, judgemental attitude, you’re not showing love and you’re not being empathetic.

I’m not saying pretend to go along with someone you believe is wrong for the sake of peace, but I am saying be empathetic when you speak. We’re all growing at different paces, and just because you’re more enlightened or experienced than them doesn’t give you carte blanche to stomp all over their hearts.

You can’t uplift, inspire, or encourage anyone you’ve alienated, which is why you need to empathise with people who’re in real pain and need healing.

I’ve struggled with giving and receiving empathy in my life, so I know how it looks from both sides of the fence. There’ve been conversations that could’ve gone better, relationships that’ve grown cold, blow-ups that simply didn’t need to happen.

I’ve learned that we need to be discerning about who we share our struggles with and who gets access to our emotions. Some people don’t have our best interests at heart, and if there’s constant pain from the same sources, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate those connections.

I long to see more empathy, love, and kindness in the world, particularly among believers.

Enough of the damage caused by ignorance. Enough of the judgement and condemnation.

Enough of being picked apart and talked at instead of listened to. Enough of people who’re insensitive just because they can’t or won’t understand the nuances of life. Not understanding is no excuse for pettiness.

I choose to act on my insights into human experience and emotion because I want to make a difference.

I choose to share my knowledge and get people to think more deeply about the words they speak in every situation because I believe we can do better.

There’s a reason why many of us shut down so often—we’re tired of being blindsided by the people we open up to. Friends don’t tear each other down, you guys, so let’s look out for each other and not be thoughtless or cruel.

There’s always a way to make your point with love, even when you refuse to pander to what you think is self-pity, indulgence, or endless complaining/negativity that doesn’t change anything.

Be kind and compassionate. Flippant remarks puncture holes in a spirit that’s already bleeding.

When you’re unkind, you’re telling that person that they can’t come to you when they’re feeling tender and achy, that it’s not safe to open their hearts and share their struggles, and that they should know better and be able to do better.

Is that really what you want to say to someone who’s hurting? Is that what you want to hear when you’re in pain?

Your dark nights of the soul might roll around and you don’t know just how bad they’ll hit. Will you have a support network in place you can turn to, or will you be left to bear the burden all by yourself?

Will the kindness you’ve shown to others come back to buoy you up, or will you be torn down by the cruelty you’ve displayed in the past?

Yes, you can pray your way through anything and everything, but will you have other people also lifting you up in prayer, or will you be sobbing alone on the bathroom floor?

Think about that for a minute. How does it make you feel?

Empathy doesn’t cost you money, just your time and attention. It asks you to listen to the other person, to put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine how they feel in that moment.

If you simply can’t imagine it, then you have some idea how much they need your love and kindness, not your judgement. Even if you think it’s not that big a deal, you just don’t know how it feels to them and how they’re struggling with it.

I’ve lived with mental health challenges for 20 years. Hear me when I say that love, empathy, and kindness make all the difference when everything seems dark and you’ve forgotten how to hope, pray, or even believe that how you feel isn’t permanent and you can heal.

There were too many times I opened up but was attacked and misunderstood. Each thoughtless word gnawed a piece of my soul and made me feel even worse about my life at that point.

I learned to watch out for empathy and protect myself from unnecessary hurt. It was a long, painful lesson, but it taught me the importance of empathy and kindness.

Watching out for empathy makes it easier to identify the emapthisers in our lives. We discover who we can trust with our problems and who we should avoid.

I urge you to encourage others and step outside the vicious cycle of misunderstandings and unnecessary hurts.

It’s time for us to treat each other with more love and humanity, and it starts with paying attention to how we show up in the world.

When I first conceived this project, I wrote on my Facebook profile:

“I cannot emphasise how important it is to be kind to those who are suffering and have made mistakes in their pain.

We all fall. We all stumble. We all persist in behaviours that hurt us until we shift them.

That said, it is not your place to be unkind to those who have scars and battle wounds from experiences you don’t really understand or stuff you think “isn’t that bad.”

Have you cried their tears? Have you felt their heart breaking and their soul shattering? Have you heard their mind screaming?

No? Then you’re not qualified to make flippant remarks about pain that was (and may still be) very real to them. It is not your place to pay them backhanded compliments.

If you cannot be loving, kind, or generous, say nothing and keep it moving. Silence is better than cruelty.

Can we please, please be more loving and kind to one another?

Please and thank you.”

As believers, we are to be as kind and loving as possible because Jesus commanded us to love one another.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. (John 13:34-35 KJV)

God’s love in our hearts transforms us to become more loving, empathetic, and compassionate.

We act differently because we’re loving each other like Jesus loves us, with a full, deep, wholehearted love.

We act differently because we’re children of God living and walking in the Spirit, and we have the good fruit of the Holy Spirit in us. (Galatians 5:16, 22-23, 25)

You can’t bear good fruit and constantly be unkind. Jesus said by their fruits you shall know them (Matthew 7:20), so how will you be known? How are you known right now?

If you’re a nonbeliever reading this, I urge you to cultivate empathy too. We need more of it in our world today, so please don’t feel that what I’m saying doesn’t apply to you.

We’re human beings in desperate need of positive relationships, and we need it from as many people as possible.

Will you be one of those many today, tomorrow, and the days after that?

Remember, you can be empathetic while being kind, straightforward, and respecting your boundaries.

You don’t have to be a doormat.

You don’t have to feel resentful or taken advantage of.

You don’t have to force yourself to give beyond what you can handle.

It’s better to redirect a conversation than feel forced to have it and then botch it because you’re exhausted or resentful. Help them see that the redirection is really in their best interest, so they don’t feel rejected because you’re unavailable.

Living and loving with empathy is a constant process, and if you commit to it, you’ll be a better believer, family member, friend, partner, and leader.

Set your default reaction to love, empathy, and kindness, and keep it there even when life gets hard, gnarly, and rough.

Chapter 2: Forgive, Release, and Be Whole

Forgiveness isn’t weakness. It’s not condoning what was done to you or burying the reality of what you went through. It’s not lying to yourself or other people about how you feel, what you feel, and why you feel all of it.

Forgiveness is about strength. It’s about grace. It’s about saying no to the hatred, malice, and bitterness raging to poison your soul.

It’s saying, “I forgive you because I choose to be free from you. Free from the hatred. Free from the pain. Free from all the drama.”

It’s saying, “I refuse to let you wound me over and over again even when we’ve separated and I’m left picking up the pieces of my heart, self-respect, and self-esteem.”

It’s saying, “I won’t be a prisoner of your malice and cruelty. I won’t continue the cycle of vicious pain you’ve plunged me into. I won’t hurt another person the way you’ve hurt me because I’m going to heal from this.”

Forgiveness is saying you won’t stoop to their level, you won’t go down that road, and no matter what it takes, you’re going to get the help you need to heal from the inside out.

Forgiveness is healing. It’s growth. It’s maturity, grace, and love all in one beautiful, freeing package. It’s forgiving them and forgiving yourself for all the mistakes, drama, and abuse, even when it seems unforgiveable. It’s taking it all to Jesus and trusting Him to do for you what you can’t do for yourself.

There was a time in my life I actively hated people who’d lied to me and betrayed me.

I became ugly every time I rehearsed their actions in my head or my journal, and I wore my hatred like a badge of honour because I wanted to hurt them back without saying anything to them.

They weren’t in my life anymore, yet I burned precious time and energy hating on them and poisoning myself in the process.

I’d left the Church before then, so I wasn’t reading my Bible, I wasn’t praying, and I wasn’t ready to hear what my Christian friends had to say.

I didn’t feel compelled to forgive, heal, and keep it moving because I didn’t have the light of God’s Word. I never prayed about it so I didn’t have the wisdom and empathy I have now.

But I did have a blog that brought up all my ugly stuff eventually. I spent years writing about personal development, self-love, and self-care, and doing that challenged me to face the darkness in my soul.

Writing post after post shone a strobe light on the ways I wasn’t walking my talk. I was saying all these beautiful, encouraging things to other women, and I was struggling to apply them in my own life.

The words came and went in spurts because there was a disconnect deep in my soul.

I wanted to be whole and happy, but I felt broken and lost.

I felt justified in my bitterness, but I was weary of the burden.

I wanted so much more than I felt, but I was numb most of the time.

I stayed locked in the same cycle until I began to realise the importance of love, empathy, and forgiveness.

I only became willing to forgive when I was convinced that it was time to release my past so my present and future could be brighter, lighter, and healthier.

I realised I’d become a prisoner of the pain, and the only way to be free was to forgive.

I wanted to be free from the mess in my heart, but it wasn’t really until I rededicated my life to Jesus that I tasted what true freedom meant.

Forgiveness is about grace because you have to rise above feeling justified, wanting to be right, and wanting to strike back.

It’s a grace thing because you have to get your pride out of the way and let God show you how to forgive even when you can’t see how you possibly can.

It’s the grace of God working in you that moves you to pray for freedom to forgive, heal, and stop poisoning yourself with endless mental reels of what you should’ve said or done differently.

It’s choosing to love when your flesh is screaming something else.

Why am I talking about forgiveness in a book about empathy?

Because we must be able to empathise with ourselves and others so we can forgive. Because we have to let love in to let hate out.

Because as I read on Instagram, “hurt people hurt people,” and we can’t stop that cycle until we become aware, empathetic, and forgiving.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32 KJV)

Forgiving isn’t always simple or what we want to do, but it’s always the right thing to do. It’s always the Christian thing to do, sometimes the only thing we can do to stop ourselves from staying ugly, bitter, and broken.

It’s choosing to stop flinging ourselves on a spiked wall caked with our blood. To stop bleeding over every relationship and situation. To bring our wounds to Jesus because by His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

It’s fighting to feel whole again, to feel beautiful again, and to feel worthy again.

It’s choosing, again and again, to love too hard to bear grudges.

Yes, we’ll get hurt. People will leave. Things will change or end. We’ll be uncomfortable, achy, and heartbroken, but we’ll survive when we let love and empathy soften our hearts and speed up our healing.

And just so you know, you can forgive someone without rebuilding your relationship with them. Forgiving them doesn’t mean you must let them back into your life; it simply means you don’t harbour any grudges or bitterness in your heart.

Forgiving them changes your reaction to their actions, but it doesn’t change their character.

If they’re poisonous to your soul, pray for them and release them. If you can’t release them, limit your contact as much as possible.

Remember that what they say about you isn’t the truth of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Don’t let the hurt make you ugly in your heart.

Don’t become someone you don’t recognise in the mirror.

Don’t poison yourself with their negativity and mess.

Bitterness is a ball and chain, not a badge of honour.

Don’t be a prisoner of its malice.

Choose to rise.

Choose to love.

Choose to forgive, release, and be whole.

Outro

Thank you for reading! I’m so glad you spent some time with me. I hope I’ve encouraged you to beam more love, kindness, and empathy into your world.

I’m Otiti Jasmine, a writer and creative. I help you get your ideas out into the world so you can live your big dreams.

I write about joy, love, creativity, art, and wellbeing on my blog. Join my email list here so we can stay in touch.

If you enjoyed The Empathy Project, would you please share it with your family and friends?

They can download it here.

If you do share any part of The Empathy Project on social media, please credit me as the author. Thank you!

May we be brave enough to start heartfelt conversations about what we need and why we need it.

To love hard when we’re tempted to shut down.

And to forgive when we’re wronged.

All love,

Otiti

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