Friendship’s complicated, isn’t it? I mean, do you like each other enough to share your hopes, your dreams, your fears?
It’s challenging enough being real with yourself, never mind with someone else, LOL. But the best things in life are often beautiful challenges that grow and stretch you, and friendship is no different.
So, how can you be a better friend? How can I be a better friend to you, to me, to the people in my life?
I have a few thoughts on this. Get comfy ’cause this might take a while.
2 Ways To Be A Better Friend
1. Be Kind
Being a better friend starts with being kind. Being truly kind, without expecting or demanding anything in return.
It’s the difference between genuinely complimenting someone and just flattering them so they can give you what you want. Flattery isn’t exactly an honest way to live, is it?
And I think kindness is underrated in our world today. With all the noise online and the frantic pace offline, it’s getting harder and harder to stop and notice someone just because.
When was the last time you noticed a great haircut or an amazing outfit and said so? Or the last time you noticed someone else’s kindness to you, especially the thoughtful acts or small gestures that you take for granted and barely remember to say “thank you” for?
The more I think about human relationships, the more I feel we’re living far below our potential and capacity for love, genuine friendships, and healthy, fulfilling partnerships.
Not because I think everyone’s doing it wrong and I have all the answers, but because we’re so busy and frazzled.
We’re so busy, you guys. Meetings. Classes. Laundry. Diapers. Teenagers. Businesses. All the things. On and on.
But with all that going on, where’s the time to go deeper with your friends? Where’s the time to slow down and love on your family without one eye on the clock?
How can you be a better friend if you’re never there or too stressed out to see anything at all?
The older I get, the more important real friendships are becoming to me. I want to have the kind of friends I can laugh with, cry with, pray with, and fast with.
I need the kind of friends I can make beautiful art with, grow with, dream with, and soar with.
I choose to be the kind of friend who’s trustworthy, who’s real, who you can share your heart with and not have it stomped on or thrown back in your face.
For me, that looks like being willing to sit with a friend in distress even when I don’t know what to say. It looks like making time for a phone call or a lunch date even when it’s desperately inconvenient.
It’s being willing to pray for someone and refuse to let them fall into despair, complacency, or bitterness. And it’s having the tough conversation I’d rather avoid so our friendship actually has the chance to survive long-term.
Here’s a question for you: How many relationships have died in your life because you were too afraid or absent to talk about the things hurting you and the relationship?
2. Be Generous
Being a better friend means being generous and also kind. If I choose to be generous and kind, then I really can’t walk around lobbing bombs and stirring up trouble everywhere I go. That’s a lot of things, but it ain’t generous and it definitely ain’t kind!
Being generous makes you a better friend because you choose to give even when it’d be so much easier not to. You choose to show up even when it’d be so much easier to check out or just ghost.
And you commit to cultivating a generous heart daily, not just when you feel like it or you wanna splash out on a big, fancy gesture. Nothing wrong with those, but no one’s life is built on them day after day.
It’s the little things that count. It’s the small gestures that form a beautifully vibrant mosaic of a genuine, healthy relationship.
I may be impressed with a gorgeous pair of shoes or a unique handbag gifted to me, yes, but I’ll treasure the hour-long phone call when my world fell apart and I was reeling.
I could be dazzled by first-class tickets to Paris, but I’ll be nurtured by the heart-to-heart conversations where I’m seen, heard, and loved.
I can always get a surprise gift that makes me squeal with joy, but I can’t always get the honesty and availability that make the difference between a drive-through friend and the friend who’s my family.
And I think the real deal matters enough to invest in it, right?
Give First. Now, Not Later
So if I’m being a better friend and choosing to be more generous, that means I’m making the first move and not waiting for anyone to give me anything before I give them something.
Waiting to get something first just sounds so transactional, anyway. When did it become the norm?
Interestingly, being generous goes both ways. You choose to give and you also choose to receive. You’re willing to be a two-way channel so love can flow in and flow out again.
Only ever giving means you don’t trust others enough to receive from them or you don’t think you’re worthy to receive. Only ever receiving means you don’t care enough to give to others or you’re not able to give because you’re grappling with something.
And to be clear, I’m not talking about money, gifts, assets, or any of that. This is friendship, not business. To flip a popular saying, it’s not business, it’s personal!
Give your time. Your energy. Your love. Give your friendships a chance to flourish because you’re being a better friend, because you’re intentional enough to cultivate the important things now while you can.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our world is speeding up and changing faster than you can say TikTok.
And if we’re not careful, we get so caught up in keeping our lives running smoothly that we neglect the gardens of our friendships. We let them grow weeds of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness because we’re so “busy” that we hurt each other and we don’t even see it.
Rip Out The Weeds Choking Your Friendships
Back in December 2018, I start phasing out social media as a way to recover my wellbeing. For some reason, it just doesn’t work for me like it does for all the fancy influencers and hyper-connected friends with two smartphones and scads of followers. So I cut the apps one by one and go deeper offline instead.
The most interesting thing happens. I discover who my real friends are, weed out the haters, and start having real conversations. The kind where you talk about your mental health and your dreams, your wounds and scars, your loves and longings. Not exactly doable or advisable on Twitter in 240 or less characters, y’know?
Once I move past hiding so I don’t get hurt again, I realise that this life doesn’t have any guarantees.
People die. Friends leave. You get hurt, you cry, you bleed, you heal, and you go on.
You have to go on. Because life is too precious to spend trapped in the dark of past hurts and traumas. It’s too short to spend locked up in the twisty maze of sorrows, regrets, and betrayals.
Come into the light. Come live in the light of present blessings and opportunities to love again. To trust again. To live and create and dance and sing again.
Looking back now, I’m a better, more present friend without social media. I’m a better, happier person without it.
Instead of spreading myself thin trying to airbrush or gloss up my life, I can spend quality time with fewer people and enjoy richer, more fulfilling connections in real time. And isn’t that what true friendships are all about anyway?
More importantly, it’s easier to pay attention to being kinder and more generous without a million different apps competing for my time and affection.
Now I prefer people over screens because screens can’t love me back, but people can.
I’d rather pick up the phone or write a letter than fire off a DM. There’s only so much you can type out without seeming weird, clingy, or whatever else we tell ourselves to avoid being real with each other.
I can’t be a better friend if I’m so focused on my self-image and street cred that I don’t have time to be with the people in my life.
I can’t be a better friend if I’m too busy to be generous or too cool to be kind.
And I most definitely can’t be a better friend if I’m never willing to accept inconvenience so I can love on someone else and be there when they need me most.
What Now?
Moving forward, change starts with me. It starts with you. It starts with us.
We can choose to be kinder, to be more generous. One of my pastors talked about “being soft” with each other through our words and more patient with our shortcomings.
Yes, it’s a big ask to make daily. But really, wouldn’t you rather be the person your friends can count on and also have friends you can count on?
How you choose to live and love from today is up to you.
How will you make it count?
Yes Otiti, this piece touches one of the most precious but disappearing gems of our time. Good old-fashioned friendship is losing the fight to the glassy, glossy, fast social media friends.
I’m encouraged by this article that celebrates solid friendships and offers tips on how to cultivate and maintain them.
And there’s never enough written about kindness and generosity, because
social media makes it so easy for some people to become jaded, insensitive, and unkind. In some circles, it’s even cool to be cruel if you can make it witty enough.
Thank you again for the refreshing read.
Hey, Mama! You’re welcome! Thank YOU for the thoughtful comment! 😀 I nearly felt like writing another post just to respond properly to it, LOL.
I remember reading something years ago about us humans mixing things up: We’re meant to love people and use things, but instead we love things and use people.
I don’t remember if it was on social media, on a blog, or in a book, but it did make me stop and think.
How many relationships are dead or suffering because the things are more important than the people?
How many couples and best friends have parted ways because one person was so focused on his or her own pleasures that the other person’s wellbeing just didn’t matter enough?
And perhaps most poignantly, how many of us are walking around emotionally dry and stunted because we just can’t connect to the people in our lives?
I know I get on my soapbox about social media sometimes, but honestly, it’s deeper than that. We simply have to learn to see each other again, otherwise we’ll default to settling for an array of gadgets and favourite TV shows in lieu of deep, abiding friendships and relationships.
Hey Otiti, omg! I’m so glad I found you. I called severallly last year and wondered if you still used your line.
I miss you and this post just makes me want to come find you because you are a friend.
Sensing lots of love to you ❤️