If you live long enough and love hard enough, someone or something will break your heart, and it’ll turn you inside out.
Relationships end. People die. Dreams die. Businesses collapse. We lose the people and the things we love, and sometimes those losses drive us to the deepest, darkest places we’ve ever been in.
If you’ve ever felt (or currently feel) like you’re drowning in grief, grappling with heartbreak, or totally disillusioned, this is for you.
You need to know that you can survive this. You’re bigger than this. You’re still here and you matter and you’re enough.
You need to know that moving through the pain is the only way to get to the other side where life doesn’t feel so dark, heavy, and hopeless.
You need to know that there’s more for you beyond this, but first you must survive this season.
Yes, it hurts. (Skittles on a bike, it hurts.) Yes, you’ve never known such pain and rage, such grief and betrayal, such loneliness and darkness.
Yes, you did everything you could to keep hope alive and make it work, and it still wasn’t enough. Your efforts were still not enough, and so you feel like you were not enough.
But you need to know that you are enough.
You don’t have to hustle for love, attention, or affection.
You don’t have to beg anyone to be with you or choose you or be good to you.
You don’t have to spend your days on your knees scrounging for crumbs of attention from anybody who can’t or won’t make the time to nurture their relationship with you.
It’s OK to feel what you feel. It’s OK to grieve what you’ve lost and wish you could get it back, but don’t stay stuck there. Don’t stay trapped in what could have been or what used to be.
You’re here now and today is before you, so what will you do with it?
I’m not saying you should get over it or snap out of it. I’m not saying you should deny how you feel, numb yourself out, or “fake it ’til you make it.” I’ve tried all those things and they just don’t help.
But I am saying that you need to give yourself the opportunity to heal. You need to give yourself the time and space to pick up the pieces so you can feel whole and happy again.
I’m saying that moving through the pain is more important than trying to figure out who was right, who should’ve stayed, or what should’ve happened.
And I’m saying that you can’t move forward until you make peace with what you’ve lost so you can rediscover what you still have.
Yes, it seems impossible to let it go. But you’re still here and that means it hasn’t broken you yet, and so there’s still hope.
Yes, it seems like you’ll always feel this maelstrom of loss and heartbreak, but you and I both know that’s not true.
You have survived other things you thought would break you, and you’ll survive this too. And even if you’ve never felt anything this intense for this long, you’re still here, and that means there’s still room for healing and recovery.
So How Do You Survive Heartbreak And Betrayal?
That depends on your history and what you have the bandwidth for.
If you struggle with mental health and/or you’re overwhelmed by what you feel, talking to the right therapist or support group is a great way to navigate your feelings and what you can do about them.
If you’re suicidal or constantly thinking that you just can’t go on, please call a hotline and let them help. You don’t have to do this alone or suffer all by yourself.
I know it can be hard to open up to another person, especially if it’s blown up in your face before.
But honey, your survival is more important than what the wrong people think or say about you.
So please, please, call a hotline or talk to a family member or friend and let us help.
And how do you survive grief?
That’s a big question. I don’t have any easy answers because I’m still grappling with that myself, but it does get better.
I’ve learned that you can’t rush your healing, but you can make space for it. You can’t give your heart a deadline to become whole again or else, but you can explore what soothes you and makes you healthy again.
You can’t force yourself to stop hurting overnight, but you can acknowledge the hurt and still live anyway even if it’s just a little bit at a time.
Because you can’t change what’s happened to you or where you’ve been, but you can choose what you do with today, tomorrow, and the days after that.
So start small. Open a window. Sip some water. Sit in a sunny spot if you can. Try to eat. Remember that even hurricanes can’t rage forever.
Up the ante a little bit. Drink a glass of water. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Stand outdoors for a minute. Stay out of bed a few minutes at a time.
Up the ante a little more. Drink 2 glasses of water. Take a 5-minute walk just because. Stay out of bed unless you’re napping or sleeping. Wear fresh clothes every day. Floss. Explore what works for you and run with it.
Sometimes all you can do is the bare minimum and that’s OK. Every little bit helps because small wins stack up. Sprinkle enough small wins in your days and you’ll create enough momentum to get you where you want to be.
Surviving heartbreak isn’t easy. It isn’t quick. It may be deep and long and painful, but it’s always worth it.
So please, be gentle with yourself, get the help you need, and meet yourself where you are.
Because asking for help is brave and strong and beautiful, and you are never weak or broken or ugly for doing it.
Otiti,
Thank you for this comforting post. My brother died this March in a car accident and I couldn’t attend the burial because of COVID-19. We, his siblings, couldn’t come together to mourn him or comfort each other. The white rage and bitter heartbreak made me feel like I’d never be whole again.
Nine months later I still miss him, but the searing pain has reduced and just like you said, “You can’t force yourself to stop hurting overnight, but you can acknowledge the hurt and still live anyway even if it’s just a little bit at a time. Because you can’t change what’s happened to you or where you’ve been, but you can choose what you do with today, tomorrow, and the days after that.”
I hope that anyone who may be experiencing loss or disillusionment will take comfort from this post and know that all pain eventually reduces and fades.
Again, thank you for this post.
You’re welcome, Mummy. Thank you too for sharing. It was a dark time for our family, but we made it through and we’re still here, and so there is still hope.
The hardest part, I think, is surviving the pain long enough to make it to the other side. There’s no timeline for heartbreak or grief or betrayal, and maybe instead of thinking we should be over it by now, we can focus instead on knitting our hearts back together one moment at a time and being gentle with ourselves while we’re at it.