Have you ever come face-to-face with your friend’s pain and frozen because you didn’t know what to say or do? Did you almost or even run away because it was so hard and you felt so ill-equipped to handle it?

I have, so I get it. It is hard to see or hear someone you love hurting, maybe even grieving, and you feel lost. You don’t want to say or do the wrong thing, so you give them space and wait for them to make the first move.

Again, I get it. Saying or doing the wrong thing can be offensive or even damaging, but what if there’s a better way? What if there’s a more loving way to support someone in pain without second-guessing your every move?

I think there is, so let’s talk about it.

Listen.

Listen.

Listen.

Not the way you’re used to listening with one eye on your inbox and one earbud in your ear, but with both eyes and both ears. With a present mind and an open heart. Present in the sense that you’re not fretting about your to-do list and how stressed you are, and open in the sense that you’re not rushing to label or deconstruct what your friend’s saying in that moment.

You’re simply sitting with her and listening to her. You’re letting her cry if necessary. You’re hugging her or holding her hand if you can, and if you can’t, you’re simply witnessing her heart.

And because this is a deeper kind of listening we’re talking about, here’s a handy way to remember it:

(L)ove

(I)ntimacy

(S)upport

(T)rust

(E)ncouragement/Engagement

(N)urturing

Lovely words, yes, but what do they mean?

I’m so glad you asked. Let’s dive in.

6 Ways To LISTEN More Deeply

1. Love

Love on her. Be with her. Let this be an opportunity to go deeper in your relationship, to be real with each other, and to be kind to each other.

You can choose to hide from the raw intensity of her emotions until they subside, or you can choose to sit with her without trying to fix anything.

Sometimes just being there is more than enough in that moment, you know?

2. Intimacy

Healthy relationships take intention. Intimacy takes intention. Nothing beautiful grows without you being present and intentional.

When you’re listening to your girlfriend who’s reeling from a painful breakup, grieving, or grappling with a life-altering diagnosis, it takes intention to stay with her. I mean, you gotta be intentional before you develop true intimacy with anyone, even the ones most like you.

And when you really think about it, friendships that never weather any storms disintegrate under pressure. I know you know what I’m talking about!

3. Support

If you’re listening with your ears and your heart wide open, you’ll hear what’s not being said. If you’re present in the moment, you’ll pick up the subtle signals that most people miss because they’re too busy to notice or just not there in the first place.

When you listen like this, you can choose to respond with love and compassion, and that’s giving them your support. When you choose to sit with someone in a difficult place and support her through that, you’re deepening your relationship with her.

You’re letting her know that you see her, you love her, and you support her. You’re demonstrating that you’re willing to sacrifice your comfort to be with her in that moment, that you’re willing to grow into a true friend, and really, is there any better way to show your love?

4. Trust

People who open up to you are showing their trust in you. They either feel safe enough to open up because of your history together, or they feel drawn to you and hope that they can trust you with their situation.

So, that means you can’t be distracted or off-hand in that moment, because it’ll damage their trust in you. And let’s be real about it, most of the things we stress out about pale in significance when a friend or someone who could be a friend is suffering.

Let trust blossom again. Listen to what she’s saying. Really look at her body language. Being present and engaged is a sure way to listen deeply and respect what’s being shared that day.

You may not have the answers or even be able to wrap your mind around her situation, but you’ll deepen your trust in each other and get to know her even better, and that trumps having answers any day.

5. Encouragement/Engagement

Deeper listening lets you respond appropriately even when you don’t have the answers. I mean, what do you say to someone who’s heartbroken or grieving, right?

Maybe it’s less about what you say and more about what you communicate. Instead of scrambling for a quick fix, you can respond to what’s already been said and offer your love and encouragement. You engage with the conversation and hold her heart as you sit with her.

But what does that look like though?

Let’s say I have a friend who just broke up with someone everyone thought she’d marry. If she calls me weeping and I go over to her house, what can I say that wouldn’t sound trite or insensitive?

Well, if I’m listening deeply, I can try something like this:

“Girl, I’m here. I love you. I stand with you. I’ll listen as long as you need me to. You don’t have to pretend to be OK in front of me. I’ll walk with you through this storm. Let’s pray.”

Very different from the usual platitudes and clichés, isn’t it? And that’s kind of the whole point.

Someone in deep pain needs a different kind of listening, a different kind of touch, a different kind of engagement.

It’s the depth in your listening that fosters the depth and health of your relationships, loves.

Get on it.

6. Nurturing

Have you ever had someone listen to you and respond with such love and affection that you felt refreshed right after? Lighter, more buoyant, more seen, more loved? That person nurtured you and was simply there for you, and at the end of the day, that’s what really matters.

Because it doesn’t matter how many friends you have on Facebook or how many followers you have on Instagram, Twitter, or whatever else the cool kids are using these days.

How many of those friends know you well enough to trust you with their pain and their tears? How many of those friends do you know well enough to trust with your pain and your tears?

There’s no depth or satisfaction in an airbrushed life. There’s no deeper beauty or worth in a life void of relationships that’ve stood the test, of friends who’ve walked with you through things you didn’t know you could survive. And the same way you want that kind of life for yourself, you have a role to play in fostering that kind of life for your friends.

When you really think about it, your friends are the ones you choose to do life with. You don’t really have a choice who your family is or what they’re like, but you do curate your friendships, right? So, why not be more intentional about how you show up for them, how you listen to them, and how you do life with them?

Yes, it’s hard. It’s gonna require your love, time, and attention, but isn’t it worth it to cultivate deeper, truer friendships that’re far more valuable than the fleeting superficial exchanges online or with strangers?

I don’t know about you, but I want to live a deeper, richer, fuller life. I want a squad that’s rock-solid, and I want to be the kind of woman who lives out what she believes in.

I choose to listen differently, to really listen, and go deeper in my relationships than ever before.

I invite you to do the same. Are you in? Tell me about it in the comments below.

Let’s do this!

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